Hello, my name is Adam Sandler. Thank you. I stand before you trembling with thankful glee as I receive this this so-called best actor trophy, independently speaking, of course. First off, it’s great to see our host Aubrey Plaza again. Aubrey and I did a movie entitled Funny People 11 years ago. That was actually the last time critics pretended not to hate me for five fucking minutes. Catch you in another 11 years, Aubrey! I’d like to also give a shout out to my fellow nominees, who will now and forever be known as “the guys who lost to fucking Adam Sandler.” How did that happen? Independent movie? Adam Sandler? “To get my movie I had to live in my car outside of fucking Ralphs, begging for nickels on fucking kickstarter, and all Sandler had to do was get Ted Sarandos stoned.”
A few weeks back, when I was quote-unquote snubbed by the Academy, it reminded of when I briefly attended high school and was overlooked for the coveted yearbook superlative category Best Looking. That accolade was given to a jean-jacket-wearing featherhead douchebag by the name of Skipper Jenkins. But my classmates did honor me with the allegedly less-prestigious designation of Best Personality. And tonight, as I look around this room, I realize, the Independent Spirit Awards are the Best Personality awards of Hollywood. So let all those featherhead douchebag motherfuckers get their Oscars tomorrow night! Their handsome good looks will fade in time, while our independent personalities will shine on forever!
I’ve got more, I’m sorry, I’ve gotta cruise through this. But in all seriousness, independent films have been a big part of the Adam Sandler ecosystem. From my first film, a fearless look into the American education system through the eyes of a privileged sociopath by the name of Billy Fucking Madison to my searing exploration of American college foosball and its manipulation of socially-challenged athletes like Mister Bobby Boucher, I have tried to sell my truths with a truly independent spirit, while also cashing some truly disturbingly large paychecks.
But tonight is about Uncut Gems. I want to thank some people. First off, of course, the person who shares my life, my home, my laughter, my tears: Scott Rudin. Two years ago, Scott said the words that would forever change my life: “No, those aren’t homeless rabbis, those are the Safdie brothers.” No, honestly, I do want to say thank you to the Safdie brothers for believing in me and thinking of me for this part, and I really had the best time getting to know you guys, I love you guys and I’m glad we’re tight now. I also want to say thank you to anybody who ever worked on any of the comedies I did over the years. You guys, I love you, and I’m glad we did all that work together that the Safdies and Noah and everybody liked our stuff enough to put me in their stuff.
And I truly want to thank my kids for reading Uncut Gems and saying, “Dad, you’ve gotta fucking do this movie. Fantastic stuff.” And my wife, I love you — thanks for running lines with me and thanks for hanging out with me, and we really had some fun on this one, so I love you. And thanks everybody for it’s a great night, I appreciate it
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