Conservative Conference Speech

Our right honourable leader and Denis. 

My, lords, ladies, fellow party workers, I am a golfer! 
But I am also a Conservative and the Conservatives are back in power! What a wonderful word! But with a new initiative and most of all, a new style. And we are mostly concerned with two main issues. Firstly, immigration. Now, people really do get this party wrong on this issue every time, don't they? We don't think immigrants are animals, for god's sake! I know a lot of immigrants personally and they're perfectly nice people. They're black, of course, which is a shame. But honestly, some of them can do some jobs almost as well as white people and we acknowledge this. Now, a lot of immigrants are Indians and Pakistanis for instance, and I like curry, I do! 
But now that we've got the recipe, is there really any need for them to stay? 

Conservatives understand these problems, you see. Like we understand young criminals, another very emotive issue. This party feels that we've been just a little too soft on these bastards. Mr. Whitelaw has spoken of the short sharp shock treatment, and his introduction of the 24,000V electric chair to Home Office detention centres begins next week on a purely experimental basis, of course. If it doesn't work? Then of course we will be more than prepared to revert to old liberal wishy-washy socialist nigger-loving red left-wing homosexual commie ways of the recent past. But please, let's have a chance! It may be a tough road, we know, but don't forget, it is easier for a rich man to pass through the eye of a needle than it is for a camel toe than it is, for a camel to.