Aldershot Brass Band

Barker: Evening Jack and how are you?
Corbett: Fine how's yourself-
Barker: Don't ask me.
Barker: Mavis put me on a diet, she says if my tum gets bigger, I'll be too fat to reach the drum, Jack, and lot's of other things as well.
Barker: Tell me how's your love life Jack?
Corbett: Full of the joys of Spring mate-
Barker: Is it still that six-foot brunette, the one with the enormous...
Corbett: Yes her name is Mary Jane, she works at the mattress factory she says life like a bed is what you make it, as long as you take it lying down.

Corbett: Where did you get that hat?
Barker: I got it from the stores, isn't it a little one I think it must be yours-
Corbett: I have got a big one-
Barker: I'm quite sure of that.
Corbett: I didn't mean my flaming head-
Barker: And I didn't mean your hat.

Corbett: Old Herbert's drunk again, he's well away. He's got a bottle with a rubber tube poked down his trousers. He sits then plays away-
Barker: With any luck, we'll all get showered with scotch if he decides to blow instead of suck.
Corbett: I don't half fancy a drink myself.
Barker: They should put beer on the national health.
Corbett: You'd see a different show tonight, the band would get hissed and Mozart and Liszt-
Barker: You're probably right.

Barker: As soon as we both finish here, why don't we have a meal round the Chinese, or else I shall go off me nut, 'cause my stomach thinks my throat's been cut.
Corbett: I'd much rather go round the pub, to refloat my kidney that is sinking, I don't want to fill up with grub, that little space that I've reserved to pour some drink in.
Corbett: Ain't it a pity the pubs in the city all close at half past ten, if I had the power they'd close for an hour and open up again. I could get chronic on vodka and tonic til anytime I like, and while the policeman watched me car I'd nip home on his bike.
Barker: How I'd love to eat anything I wanted, bangers and beans, and enormous lumps of fried bread, then choppered chips, and steak and kidney pies, by a girl who loves cooking who's big and good-looking whose dumplings are double the size-
Both: -and then we'd all have a damn good time!
Barker: All peaches and cream-
Corbett: Then vodka and lime
Both: To eat and drink and to be in prime, enough is enough let's go and get stuffed together.

Barker: Prawn chopped suet and a chicken fritter-
Corbett: Large Drambuie and a pint of bitter, Corkscrews and waiters-
Barker: Roast potatoes, hurry up and finish with these bleeding gladiators-
Corbett: Weak Pea Picker, a Napoleon Brandy, two dry sherries and a half a shandy-
Barker: I'll run-a-muck, two crispy duck!
Corbett: Wishing you the best of luck
Barker: Herbert's drunk so much he can hardly stand-
Corbett: I have got a rather similar occasion planned.
Both: So before it all gets out of hand, it's goodnight from the boys in the band!