The Bastard King Of England

Now the minstrels sing of an English king of many long years ago

He ruled his land with an iron hand though his morals were weak and low

His only other garment was a dirty yeller shirt

With which he tried to hide his hide but he couldn't hide the dirt.

He was dirty and lousy and full of fleas

But he had his women by twos and threes

God bless the Bastard King of England.

Now the Queen of Spain was an amorous Jane

A lascivious wench was she

She longed to play in her loving way with the king across the sea

So she sent a royal message with a royal messenger

To invite the King of England down to spend the night with her.

Well when Phillip of France he heard it by chance He declared before his court,

"The Queen prefers my rival just because I'm somewhat short."

So he sent the Count of Zippity-Zap to give to the Queen a dose of clap

To pass it on to the Bastard King of England.

When the King of England heard the news He cursed the Gallic farce

He up and swore by the royal whore he'd have the Frenchman's arse

He offered half the royal purse and a piece of Queen Hortense

To any British subject who'd undo the King of France.

So the Earl of Sussex jumped on his horse and straightway rode to France

Where he made a pass and he stripped the sash from Phillip's pajama pants

And in front of a throng he slipped on a thong leaped on his horse and galloped along

Draggin' the Frenchman back to merry England.

When the King of England he saw the sight he felt in a faint on the floor

For during the ride his rival's hide was stretched a yard or more

And all the maids of England came down to London town

And shouted 'round the battlements, "To hell with the British crown."

So Phillip of France usurped the throne His scepter was the royal bone

With which he bitched the Bastard King of England.