I've Never Met A Nice South African

(Traveller)
I've travelled this old world of ours from Barnsley to Peru, 
I've had sunstroke in the arctic and a swim in Timbuktu, 
I've seen unicorns in Burma and a Yeti in Nepal, 
And I've danced with ten-foot pygmies in a Montezuma hall, 
I've met the King of China and a working Yorkshire miner, 
But I've never met a nice South African!

(Chorus) 
No he's never met a nice South African, 
And that's not bloody surprising man, 
'Cause we're a bunch of arrogant bastards who hate black people!

(Traveller) 
I once got served in Woolies after less than four week's wait, 
I had lunch with Rowan Atkinson when he paid and wasn't late, 
I know a public swimming bath where they don't piss in the pool, 
I know a guy who got a job straight after leaving school, 
I've met a normal merman and a fairly modest German, 
But I've never met a nice South African! 

(Chorus) 
No he's never met a nice South African,  
And that's not bloody surprising man, 
'Cause we're a bunch of talentless murderers who smell like baboons!

(Traveller) 
I've had a Close Encounter of the Twenty-Second Kind, 
That's when an alien spaceship disappears up your behind, 
I got directory enquiries after less than forty rings,  
I've even heard a decent song by Paul McCartney's Wings,  
I've seen a flying pig in a quite convincing wig, 
But I've never met a nice South African!

(Chorus) 
No he's never met a nice South African,  
And that's not bloody surprising man, 
'Cause we're a bunch of ignorant loudmouths with no sense of humour!

(Traveller) 
I've met the Loch Ness Monster and he looks like Fred Astaire,  
At the BBC in London he's the Chief Commissionaire, 
I know a place in Glasgow which is rife with daffodillies, 
I met a man in Kathmandu who claimed to have two willies,  
I've had a nice pot noodle, but I've never had a poodle, 
And I've never met a nice South African! 

(Chorus) 
No he's never met a nice South African, 
And that's not bloody surprising man, 
Because we've never met one either,  
Except for Breyten Breytenbach and he's emigrated to Paris...  
Yes he's quite a nice South African,  
And he's hardly ever killed anyone,  
And he's not smelly at all, that's why they put him prison!