The Maple Leaf Forever (Alternate)

O, land of blue unending skies,
Mountains strong and sparkling snow,
A scent of freedom in the wind,
O'er the emerald fields below.

To thee we brought our hopes, our dreams,
For thee we stand together,
Our land of peace, where proudly flies, 
The Maple Leaf forever.

Chorus:
Long may it wave, and grace our own,
Blue skies and stormy weather,
Within my heart, above my home,
The Maple Leaf forever!

From East and West, our heroes came,
Through icy fields and frozen bays,
Who conquered fear, and cold, and hate,
And their ancient wisdom says:

Protect the weak, defend your rights,
And build this land together,
Above which shine the Northern Lights,
And the Maple Leaf forever!

Oh, Maple Leaf, around the world,
You speak as you rise high above,
Of courage, peace and quiet strength,
Of the Canada I love.

Remind us all our union bound, 
By ties we cannot sever,
Bright flag revered on every ground,
The Maple Leaf forever!

In days of yore from splendid shores,
Bold and true, our founders came,
And planted firm those rights of old,
Into Canada's fair domain,
This hallowed oath and legacy,
We vow to yield it never!,
For life and peace and liberty!,
The Maple Leaf Forever!,

The Maple Leaf, our emblem dear,
The Maple Leaf Forever!,
Long may it wave and God defend,
The Maple Leaf Forever!,

Thro' battle flame in lands afar,
Our brave warriors side by side,
For freedom, home, and lov'd ones dear,
Firmly stood and nobly died,
Their sacrifice and valour shine,
Their Names Will Live Forever!,
O Valiant hearts whose deeds proclaim,
The Maple Leaf Forever!,

The Maple Leaf, our emblem dear,
The Maple Leaf Forever!,
Long may it wave and God defend,
The Maple Leaf Forever!,

O land where season's gifts abound,
Earth's own bounties rich embrace,
Where flowing waters' majesty,
Sing the hymn of freedom's grace,
From oceantide to northern light,
All bound as One Together!,
Dominion blessed from sea to sea,
The Maple Leaf Forever!,

The Maple Leaf, our emblem dear,
The Maple Leaf Forever!,
Long may it wave and God defend,
The Maple Leaf Forever!,

The Maple Leaf Forever

In days of yore, from Britain's shore Wolfe, the dauntless hero, came
And planted firm Britannia's flag on Canada's fair domain.
Here may it wave, our boast, our pride and, joined in love together,
The thistle, shamrock, rose entwine the lily, thistle, shamrock, rose The Maple Leaf forever!
The Maple Leaf, our emblem dear The Maple Leaf forever!
God save our Queen and Heaven bless The Maple Leaf forever!

At Queenston Heights and Lundy's Lane our brave fathers, side by side,
For freedom, homes and loved ones dear firmly stood and nobly died;
And those dear rights which they maintained, we swear to yield them never!
Our watchword evermore shall be "The Maple Leaf forever!"
The Maple Leaf, our emblem dear The Maple Leaf forever!
God save our Queen and Heaven bless The Maple Leaf forever!

Our fair Dominion now extends from Cape Race to Nootka Sound;
May peace forever be our lot, and plenteous store abound:
And may those ties of love be ours which discord cannot sever,
And flourish green o'er freedom's home The Maple Leaf forever!
The Maple Leaf, our emblem dear The Maple Leaf forever!
God save our Queen and Heaven bless The Maple Leaf forever!

On merry England's far famed land may kind heaven sweetly smile,
God bless old Scotland evermore and Ireland's Emerald Isle!
And swell the song both loud and long till rocks and forest quiver!
God save our Queen and Heaven bless The Maple Leaf forever!

The Maple Leaf, our emblem dear The Maple Leaf forever!

God save our Queen and Heaven bless The Maple Leaf forever!

Do The Bartman

Yo! Hey, what's happenin', dude I'm a guy with a rep for being rude.
Terrorizing' people wherever I go it's not intentional, just keepin' the flow.
Fixin' test scores to get the best scores droppin' banana peels all over the floor.
I'm the kid that made delinquency an art last name: Simpson! First name: Bart!
I'm here today to introduce the next phase the next step in the big Bart craze.
I gotta dance real easy to do I learned it with no rhythm and so can you.
So move your body, if you got the notion front to back in a rock-like motion
Now that you got it, if you think that you can do it to the music. That's the Bartman!

Everybody if you can, do the Bartman!
Shake your body, turn it out if you can, man!
Move your butt to the side, yes, you can can.
Everybody in the house, do the Bartman!
Everybody if you can, do the Bartman!
Shake your body, turn it out if you can, man!
Move your butt to the side, yes, you can can.
Everybody in the house, do the Bartman!

It wasn't long ago, just a couple of weeks I got in trouble pretty deep.
Homer was yelling Mom was, too because I put moth balls in the beef stew.
Punishment time, in the air lurks gloom sittin' by myself, confined to my room,
When all else fails, nothin' else left to do I turn on the music so I can feel the groove.
Move your body, if you get the notion front to back in a rock-like motion
Move your hips from side to side now don't you slip, let your feet glide now
If you gotta groove, you gotta use it rock rhythm in time with the music
You just might start a chain reaction If you can do the Bart, you're bad like Michael Jackson.

Now I'm in the house, feelin' good to be home
'Til Lisa starts blowin' that damn saxophone.
And if it was mine, you know they'd take it away,
But still I'm feelin' good, so that's okay.
I'm up in my room, just a-singing a song,
Listen to the kick-drum kickin' along.
Lisa likes jazz, she's her number one fan,
But I know I'm bad, 'cause I do the Bartman!

Party Posse

Party Posse, we rule the Earth,
The greatest band since music's birth
We love to sweat, and we love to sing
We're really funky but not threatening
We're the best band in the world.
But we give it all up for that special girl.
You're my special girl special girl
You're my special girl only you

I saw you last night at the spelling bee
I knew right then that it was L-U-V
I gotta spell out what you mean to me
Cause I can no longer be a silent "G".
I've gotta spell out what I've gotta spell out
I've gotta spell out what you mean to me
What you mean to me.

Say can you rock?
There's trouble in a far off nation time to get in love formation!
Your love's more deadly than Saddam that's why I gotta drop da bomb!
This party is happening it's no mirage so sing it again
Had a girl in every port from here to Barcelona.
But now I am docked in Springfield and girl, I'm gonna phone ya.
I stormed a lot of beaches, but you're the one that I miss.
Let's get back together girl, let's reenlist.
So sign me up, for a hitch of love.
Recruit my heart four sweet years of love.
We'll march all day and clean latrines all night.
Don't bust me down, let's re-up tonight.

The Wanderer

Well, I'm the type of guy who will never settle down
Where pretty girls are, well you know that I'm around
I kiss 'em and I love 'em cause to me they're all the same
I hug 'em and I squeeze 'em they don't even know my name
They call me the wanderer the wanderer I roam around, around, around

Well, there's Flo on my left and then there's Mary on my right
And Janie is the girl well that I'll be with tonight
And when she asks me, which one I love the best?
I tear open my shirt and I show "Rosie" on my chest
Cause I'm the wanderer the wanderer I roam around, around, around

Well, I roam from town to town I go through life without a care
And I'm as happy as a clown I with my two fists of iron but I'm going nowhere
I'm the type of guy that likes to roam around
I'm never in one place, I roam from town to town
And when I find myself a-fallin' for some girl
I hop right into that car of mine and drive around the world
I'm the wanderer the wanderer I roam around, around, around

I'm the type of guy that likes to roam around
I'm never in one place, I roam from town to town
And when I find myself a-fallin' for some girl
I hop right into that car of mine and drive around the world
Cause I'm the wanderer the wanderer I roam around, around, around
They call me the wanderer the wanderer I roam around, around, around
I'm the wanderer the wanderer I roam around, around, around

She Had to Go and Lose It at the Astor

But she had to go and lose it at the Astor she didn't take her mother's good advice.
Now there aren't so many girls today who have one and she'd never let it go for any price
They searched the place from penthouse to the cellar in every room and underneath each bed.
Once they thought they saw it lying on a pillow but they found it belonged to someone else instead.

But she had to go and lose it at the Astor she didn't know exactly whom to blame
And she couldn't say just how or when she lost it she only knew she had it when she came.
They questioned all the bellboys and the porter the chef appeared to be the guilty guy
And the doorman also acted quite suspicious but he coyly said, "I'm sure it wasn't I"

But she had to go and lose it at the Astor it nearly killed her mother and her dad
Now they felt as bad about the thing as she did after all it was the only one she had
They just about completed all their searching when the chauffeur walked up with it in his hand
All they did was stand and gape, there was Minnie's sable cape and she thought that she had 
Lost it at the Astor.

Shanghai Lil

Temples reaching to the stars, international bazaars
Chummy little Chinese ladies, drinking at those dinky bars
Balmy breezes rom the sea, blossoms in the cherry tree
Everything is so familiar, but where, where is she

I've covered every little highway and I've been climbing every hill
I've been looking high and I've been looking low looking for my Shanghai Lil
The stars that hang high over Shanghai bring back the memory of a thrill
I've been looking high and I've been looking low looking for my Shanghai Lil
I learned to love her the little devil was just a butterfly
But you'd discover something on the level shining in her eye
I've been trying to forget her but what's the use, I never will
I'll be looking high and I'll be looking low till I find my Shanghai Lil

Anxiously I cast an eye on each street throughout Shanghai

Plenty Oriental ladies beckon as they pass me by

But my mind just can't erase one outstanding lovely face

So, until the day I find out, I'll never leave this place

Little Boy You're Going To Hell

Little boy at peace what is this place beyond the stars? 
Open up you're eyes what are these things you're moving toward? 
Head so full of wonder worries in the past 
Could it be that you are free at last? 
NO!!!! 

Little boy you're going to HELL! 
You said bad words threw rocks at the birds 
And now this is your hotel! 
You ain't going back this ain't Disneyland/it's HELL! 
Little boy it's time for you to PAY! 
For hurting that bird/not going to church 
And staring at boobs every day
You aint goin' back now you must stand in HELL! 

Hell isn't good Hell isn't good HELL! 
Hell isn't good Hell isn't good HELL! 

Hell isn't good Hell isn't good HELL!

Chocolate Salty Balls

Two tablespoons of cinnamon and two or three egg whites, 
A half a stick of butter, melted.stick it all in a bowl 
Baby stir it with a wooden spoon,
Mix in a cup of flour you'll be in heaven soon.

Say everybody have you seen my balls they're big and salty and brown.
If you ever need a quick pick me up, just stick my balls in your mouth.
Suck on my chocolate salty balls, stick 'em in your mouth and suck 'em.
Suck on my chocolate salty balls, they're packed full of vitamins and good for you
So suck on my balls.

Pour in a cup of unsweetened chocolate and a half a cup of brandy
Then throw in a bag or two of sugar and just a pinch of vanilla,
Grease up the cookie sheet cause I hate when my balls stick!
Then preheat the oven to tree-fiddy, and give that spoon a lick!

Hey, wait a minute, what's that smell it smells like something's burning.
Well, that don't bother me none, as long as I get my rent paid on Friday.
Baby, you better get back in the kitchen, cause I got a sneaking suspicion.
Oh man baby, baby, you just burnt my balls my balls are on fire, 
Come on, my balls are burning, gimme some water pour some water on them 
O goodness, blow on them, do something

My Girl's Pussy

There's one pet I like to pet and every evening we get set
I stroke it every chance I get it's my girl's pussy
Seldom plays and never purrs and I love the thoughts it stirs
But I don't mind because it's hers my girl's pussy
Often it goes out at night returns at break of dawn
No matter what the weather's like it's always nice and warm
It's never dirty, always clean in giving thrills, never mean
But it's the best I've ever seen is my girl's pussy

There's one pet I like to pet and every evening we get set
I stroke it every chance I get it's my girl's pussy
Seldom plays, never purrs and I love the thoughts it stirs
But I don't mind because it's hers it's my girl's pussy
Though often it goes out at night and returns at break of dawn, break of dawn
No matter what the weather's like it's always dry and warm
I bring tidbits that it loves we spoon like two turtle doves
I take care to remove my gloves when stroking my girl's pussy

One Night In Bangkok

Bangkok, Oriental setting and the city don't know that the city is getting
The creme de la creme of the chess world in a show with everything but Yul Brynner
Time flies doesn't seem a minute since the Tirolean spa had the chess boys in it
All change don't you know that when you play at this level there's no ordinary venue
It's Iceland or the Philippines or Hastings or or this place!

One night in Bangkok and the world's your oyster the bars are temples but the pearls ain't free
You'll find a god in every golden cloister and if you're lucky then the god's a she
I can feel an angel sliding up to me
One night in Bangkok makes a hard man humble not much between despair and ecstasy
One night in Bangkok and the tough guys tumble can't be too careful with your company
I can feel the devil walking next to me
One night in Bangkok and the world's your oyster the bars are temples but the pearls ain't free
You'll find a god in every golden cloister a little flesh, a little history
I can feel an angel sliding up to me
One night in Bangkok makes a hard man humble not much between despair and ecstasy
One night in Bangkok and the tough guys tumble can't be too careful with your company
I can feel the devil walking next to me

One town's very like another when your head's down over your pieces, brother
It's a drag, it's a bore, it's really such a pity to be looking at the board, not looking at the city
Whaddya mean ya seen one crowded, polluted, stinking town
Tea, girls, warm, sweet some are set up in the Somerset Maugham suite
Get thai'd, you're talking to a tourist whose every move's among the purest
I get my kicks above the waistline, sunshine

Siam's gonna be the witness to the ultimate test of cerebral fitness
This grips me more than would a muddy old river or reclining Buddha
And thank God I'm only watching the game controlling it
I don't see you guys rating the kind of mate I'm contemplating
I'd let you watch, I would invite you but the queens we use would not excite you
So you better go back to your bars, your temples your massage parlours

Syncopated Lady

She's a syncopated lady and she lingers where it's shady
And I listen to her daily as she plucks her ukulele
And her eyes are kinda flashy and her clothes are kinda trashy
And she smokes them small havanas and she chews them big bananas -
Teeth like pearls and lips like wine
Thump thumpy thumpy goes that heart of mine

Thumpy thumpy thumpy 'cos her shape it is so bumpy
It's so dimply and dumpy kinda loose and kinda lumpy
And it has no imperfections and it points in all directions
How I love them pounds and ounces in that sweater when it bounces
And it makes me kinda jumpy when our arms entwine
Thumpy thumpy thumpy goes that heart of mine.

She's a syncopated lady and her second name is Sadie
And I love the way she dances with just anyone she fancies
And I love the way she washes and she wears them big galoshes
And the way her hands meander when she's kissed on her veranda
She lives at number seven but she sleeps at number nine
Thumpy thumpy thumpy goes that heart of mine

Nothing Is Lost

Deep in our sub-conscious, we are told lie all our memories, lie all the notes
Of all the music we have ever heard and all the phrases those we loved have spoken,
Sorrows and losses time has since consoled,family jokes, outmoded anecdotes
Each sentimental souvenir and token everything seen, experienced, each word
Addressed to us in infancy, before before we could even know or understand
The implications of our wonderland there they all are, the legendary lies
The birthday treats, the sights, the sounds, the tears forgotten debris of forgotten years
Waiting to be recalled, waiting to rise before our world dissolves before our eyes
Waiting for some small, intimate reminder a word, a tune, a known familiar scent
An echo from the past when, innocent we looked upon the present with delight
And doubted not the future would be kinder and never knew the loneliness of night.

Lie In The Dark And Listen

Lie in the dark and listen it's clear tonight so they're flying high
Hundreds of them, thousands perhaps riding the icy, moonlight sky.
Men, materials, bombs and maps altimeters and guns and charts
Coffee, sandwiches, fleece-lined boots bones and muscles and minds and hearts
English saplings with English roots deep in the earth they've left below lie in the dark and let them go
Lie in the dark and listen lie in the dark and listen

They're going over in waves and waves high above villages, hills and streams
Country churches and little graves and little citizen's worried dreams.
Very soon they'll have reached the sea and far below them will lie the bays
And coves and sands where they used to be taken for summer holidays.
Lie in the dark and let them go lie in the dark and listen.

Lie in the dark and listen city magnates and steel contractors,
Factory workers and politicians soft hysterical little actors Ballet dancers,'reserved' musicians,
Safe in your warm civilian beds count your profits and count your sheep
Life is flying above your heads just turn over and try to sleep.
Lie in the dark and let them go theirs is a world you'll never know
Lie in the dark and listen.

Contours

Round - oblong - like jam terse as virulent hermaphrodites;
Calling across the sodden twisted ends of Time edifices of importunity
Sway like Parmesan before the half-tones of Episcopalian Michaelmas;
Bodies are so impossible to see in retrospect  and yet I know the well of truth
Is gutted like a pratchful Unicorn sog, sog, sog - why is my mind ambitious?
That's what it is.

Any Part Of Piggy

Any part of the piggy is quite alright with me.
Ham from Westphalia, ham from Parma
Ham as lean as the Dalai Lama
Ham from Virginia, ham from York,
Trotters, sausages, hot roast pork.
Crackling crisp for my teeth to grind on
Bacon with or without the rind on
Though humanitarian I'm not a vegetarian.
I'm neither a crank nor prude nor prig
And though it may sound infra dig
Any part of the darling pig is perfectly fine by me.

When I Have Fears

When I have fears, as Keats had fears of the moment I'll cease to be
I console myself with vanished years
Remembered laughter, remembered tears and the peace of the changing sea.
When I feel sad, as Keats felt sad that my life is so nearly done
It gives me comfort to dwell upon
Remembered friends who are dead and gone and the jokes we had and the fun
How happy they are I cannot know but happy I am who loved them so.

Monster Mash

I was working in the lab late one night,
When my eyes beheld and eerie sight,
For my monster in his lab began to rise,
And suddenly to my surprise...
(He did the mash) He did the monster mash,
(The monster mash) It was a graveyard smash,
(He did the mash) It caught on in a flash,
(He did the mash) He did the monster mash,

From my laboratory in the castle East,
To the master bedroom where the vampires feast,
To ghouls all came from their humble abodes,
To get a jolt, from my electrodes.
(They did the mash) They did the monster mash,
(The monster mash) It was a graveyard smash,
(They did the mash) It caught on in a flash,
(They did the mash) They did the monster mash,

The zombies were having fun,the party had just begun,
The guests included Wolfman,Dracula and his son
The scene was rocking we're digging the sounds,
Igor on chains backed by baying hounds,
The coffin bangers were about to arrive,
With their vocal group, The Crypt Kicker Five
(They played the mash) They played the monster mash,
(The monster mash) It was a graveyard smash,
(They played the mash) It caught on in a flash,
(They played the mash) They played the monster mash
(Its now the mash) Its now the monster mash,
(The monster mash) And it's a graveyard smash,
(Its now the mash) It's caught on in a flash,
(Its now the mash) Its now the monster mash.

Now everything's cool, Drac's a part of the band,
And my monster mash is the hit of the land,
For you the living, this mash was meant too,
When you get to my door, tell them Boris sent you.
(Then you can mash) Then you can monster mash,
(The monster mash) and do my graveyard smash,
(Then you can mash) You'll catch on in a flash,
(Then you can mash) Then you can monster mash.

Mad Dogs and Englishmen

In tropical climes there are certain times of day
When all the citizens retire to tear their clothes off and perspire.
It's one of those rules that the biggest fools obey,
Because the sun is much too sultry and one must avoid its ultra-violet ray
The natives grieve when the white men leave their huts because they're obviously, absolutely nuts

Mad dogs and Englishmen go out in the midday sun.
The Japanese don't care to, the Chinese wouldn't dare to,
Hindus and Argentines sleep firmly from twelve to one,
But Englishmen detest a siesta,
In the Philippines there are lovely screens to protect you from the glare,
In the Malay states there are hats like plates which the Britishers won't wear,
At twelve noon the natives swoon, and no further work is done -
But Mad Dogs and Englishmen go out in the midday sun.

It's such a surprise for the Eastern eyes to see,
That though the British are effete they're quite impervious to heat,
When the white man rides, every native hides in glee,
Because the simple creatures hope he will impale his solar topee on a tree.
It seems such a shame that when the English claim the earth
That they give rise to such hilarity and mirth

Mad Dogs and Englishmen go out in the midday sun.
The toughest Burmese bandit can never understand it.
In Rangoon the heat of noon is just what the natives shun.
They put their scotch or rye down, and lie down.
In the jungle town where the sun beats down to the rage of man or beast,
The English garb of the English sahib merely gets a bit more creased.
In Bangkok, at twelve o'clock, they foam at the mouth and run,
But mad dogs and Englishmen go out in the midday sun.

Mad Dogs and Englishmen, go out in the midday sun.
The smallest Malay rabbit deplores this stupid habit.
In Hong Kong, they strike a gong, and fire off a noonday gun.
To reprimand each inmate, who's in late.
In the mangrove swamps where the python romps there is peace from twelve till two.
Even caribous lie down and snooze, for there's nothing else to do.
In Bengal, to move at all, is seldom if ever done,
But mad dogs and Englishmen go out in the midday sun.

Don't Let's Be Beastly To The Germans

We must be kind and with an open mind
We must endeavour to find  a way
To let the Germans know that when the war is over
They are not the ones who'll have to pay.
We must be sweet and tactful and discreet
And when they've suffered defeat we mustn't let them feel upset
Or ever get the feeling that we're cross with them or hate them,
Our future policy must be to reinstate them.

Don't let's be beastly to the Germans when our victory is ultimately won,
It was just those nasty Nazis who persuaded them to fight
And their Beethoven and Bach are really far worse than their bite
Let's be meek to them and turn the other cheek to them
And try to bring out their latent sense of fun.
Let's give them full air parity and treat the rats with charity,
But don't let's be beastly to the Hun.

We must be just-
And win their love and trust
And in addition we must
Be wise
And ask the conquered lands to join our hands to aid them.
That would be a wonderful surprise.
For many years-
They've been in floods of tears
Because the poor little dears
Have been so wronged and only longed
To cheat the world,
Deplete the world
And beat
The world to blazes.
This is the moment when we ought to sing their praises.

Don't let's be beastly to the Germans
When we've definitely got them on the run-
Let us treat them very kindly as we would a valued friend
We might send them out some Bishops as a form of lease and lend,
Let's be sweet to them-
And day by day repeat to them
That 'sterilization' simply isn't done.
Let's help the dirty swine again-
To occupy the Rhine again,
But don't let's be beastly to the Hun.

Don't let's be beastly to the Germans
When the age of peace and plenty has begun.
We must send them steel and oil and coal and everything they need
For their peaceable intentions can be always guaranteed.
Let's employ with them a sort of 'strength through joy' with them,
They're better than us at honest manly fun.
Let's let them feel they're swell again and bomb us all to hell again,
But don't let's be beastly to the Hun.

Don't let's be beastly to the Germans
For you can't deprive a gangster of his gun
Though they've been a little naughty to the Czechs and Poles and Dutch
But I don't suppose those countries really minded very much
Let's be free with them and share the B.B.C. with them.
We mustn't prevent them basking in the sun.
Let's soften their defeat again-and build their bloody fleet again,
But don't let's be beastly to the Hun.

Gob On You

I live on the fourteenth floor
Of a tower block, and when I get bored
I call 'cooee' to the passers-by
And when they look up I gob in their eye

Gob on you and your way of life
Gob on you and your ratbag wife
Gob on you and your spending cuts
Gob on you, kick you in the guts
Gob on you ‘cos I hate your guts!
Gob on you, kick you IN the nuts!
Gob on you you’re a stupid old git. ‘Cos you’re full of shiiiiiit!!!!”

I go out west every night
Go down to the pub looking for a fight
I have ten lagers then I have ten more
And I jump up and down, and I'm sick on the floor

Conservative Conference Speech

Our right honourable leader and Denis. 

My, lords, ladies, fellow party workers, I am a golfer! 
But I am also a Conservative and the Conservatives are back in power! What a wonderful word! But with a new initiative and most of all, a new style. And we are mostly concerned with two main issues. Firstly, immigration. Now, people really do get this party wrong on this issue every time, don't they? We don't think immigrants are animals, for god's sake! I know a lot of immigrants personally and they're perfectly nice people. They're black, of course, which is a shame. But honestly, some of them can do some jobs almost as well as white people and we acknowledge this. Now, a lot of immigrants are Indians and Pakistanis for instance, and I like curry, I do! 
But now that we've got the recipe, is there really any need for them to stay? 

Conservatives understand these problems, you see. Like we understand young criminals, another very emotive issue. This party feels that we've been just a little too soft on these bastards. Mr. Whitelaw has spoken of the short sharp shock treatment, and his introduction of the 24,000V electric chair to Home Office detention centres begins next week on a purely experimental basis, of course. If it doesn't work? Then of course we will be more than prepared to revert to old liberal wishy-washy socialist nigger-loving red left-wing homosexual commie ways of the recent past. But please, let's have a chance! It may be a tough road, we know, but don't forget, it is easier for a rich man to pass through the eye of a needle than it is for a camel toe than it is, for a camel to.

Poor Elijah

Poor Elijah, living on the bayou way.
Poor Elijah, he had to take over raising fourteen kids
When his daddy got caught stealing chickens from a neighbor one day.
Work on Elijah, work on.

Poor Elijah, born the son of a slave.
Poor Elijah, he was damn near blind when he died last week
From working in the sun for the man like a dog all day.
Work on Elijah, work on.

I'm going to sing you a song, listen to me I said it's all about a man.
Nobody, I said nobody hardly knows him.
Say it with me: nobody hardly knows him.
Say it one more time: nobody hardly knows him.

Good morning Robert Johnson son.
You built your life before your song was sung.
People agree and now you're number one.
So sad to think we had to wait so long.
It keeps on getting better every day and maybe someday soon, people will say,
Ain't nobody here but good people ain't nobody here but good people.
Ain't nobody here but good people.

Down By The Riverside

Gonna lay down my sleepy head down by the riverside
Gonna lay down my burden down by the riverside
I'm gonna lay down my sword and shield down by the riverside
I'm gonna lay down my sword and shield down by the riverside

Gonna stick my sword in the golden sand down by the riverside
Gonna stick my sword in the golden sand down by the riverside
Gonna try on my long white robe down by the riverside
Gonna try on my long white robe down by the riverside

Gonna try on my starry crown down by the riverside
Gonna try on my starry crown down by the riverside
Gonna put on my golden shoes down by the riverside
Gonna put on my golden shoes down by the riverside

Gonna talk with the Prince of Peace down by the riverside
Gonna talk with the Prince of Peace down by the riverside
Gonna shake hands around the world down by the riverside
Gonna shake hands around the world down by the riverside

Gonna cross the River Jordan down by the riverside
Gonna cross the River Jordan down by the riverside
Gonna climb upon that mountain down by the riverside
Gonna climb upon that mountain down by the riverside
Gonna climb the road to heaven down by the riverside
Gonna climb the road to heaven down by the riverside

I ain't gonna study war no more study war no more
Ain't gonna study war no more

Barber Shop Song

Goodbye baldies,goodbye baldies, goodbye baldies its time to leave you now.
Now that you have lost your hair you are all bare, we don't care
Stick your hats on fair and square then no one will know.

Now hows he chin this morning sir?
Its on the hairy side,its on the hairy side the grizzly bear side.
So kindly take this warning sir,
Be on the wary side in case you scratch the girl that you adore.
A shave is whats intended sir makes you feel good inside, makes you look good outside,
Hold up your head with pride this soap is recommended sir
Contains insecticide, gives each little spot what for

Now don't upset yourself and don't feel rotten your hair is gone but not forgotten,
HIP HOORAY, HIP HOORAY , WE CAN RAISE IT UP AGAIN.
There's some wigs in the cupboard and I don't know were i got em,
But they're made of nylon mixed with cotton get away, get away, get away, its a fact.
Well they could be rather tricky to keep in place.
What we need is something sticky and we'll splash it on all over.
By gum! they're stuck! A strong man couldn't lift em.
The best of luck, you'll never never shift enm.

GILBERT AND SULLIVAN

(Tune: "Here's a How-de-do")

Hello how'd you do
We are bringing you
Songs by Sullivan and Gilbert
Hope they're going to fill the bill, but
Let us not waste time
Let us start the rhyme

(Tune: Yum Yum")

We, won't
Sing anything that is glum (Yum yum)
For this is the season
That gives us a reason
For drinking and filling our tum (Yum yum)
I must say it's alright for some
I eat what I like and don't put on a pound
I like what I eat; that is why I'm so round
Just keep off the starches
I've got fallen arches,
With carrying this lot around

(Tune: "The flowers that bloom in the spring Tra la")

The flowers that bloom in the spring, tra la,
Are blooming all over the place
The girls in the chorus that sing, tra la,
Each one is a beautiful thing, tra la,
A flower of feminine grace,
(A flower of feminine grace)
There's Lily and Iris, and Daisy, and Rose
There's also sweet William, but he's one of those,
But our favourite flower
She blooms by the hour
At twenty-six Bloomsbury Place

(Spoken: The next song is dedicated to my dear wife)

(Tune: "Take a pair of sparkling eyes")

Take a pair of bloodshot eyes
And a nose that's round and red
And a set of loose false teeth
Picture two gigantic thighs
And a pair of knobbly knees
With enormous boots beneath

Some men have pretty women
To go ridin' with, or swimmin'
Or parading round the park
Not for me those smiles and dimples
It's just bandy legs and pimples
So, if I fancy a saunter, I go after dark

Take a pair of rubber lips
And a pair of bumpy hips
And a voice just like a knife
Like a knife,
A complexion green as grass, it's a farce,
Yet alas!
That's what I see every day
In my looking glass!

(Tune: "Three little maids")

Three little maids one night I met
Each one a perfect little pet
Popped to the pub for something wet
Three little maids came too

Three lemonades I ordered first
That didn't satisfy their thirst
Then I realised the worst
Three lemonades won't do

They said "Let us try champagne"
Then they tried it once again
"Now we'll try the beer" they said
"Then we must be off to bed"

Well…
Fourteen pints and six gins later
Went upstairs for a baked potato
I woke up with the hotel waiter –
The three little chicks had strayed
Three little maids – unmade!

(Tune: "Tit-Willow")

A shy samurai went to London to buy
Two blankets, two sheets, and a pillow
And he married a maiden who first caught his eye
At that firm run by Waring and Gillow
There was never a subject they quarrelled about
Of their love for each other there wasn't a doubt
Till she wore a low neckline, 'twas then they fell out
They willow, they willow, they willow

(Tune: "A Policeman's lot is not a Happy one)

There's a sailor lying drunk and feeling peaky
Feeling peaky!
In the gutter where the pavement kerb he grips
Kirby grips!
And he cries my boat the Pinafore is leaky
Fore is leaky!
What the navy needs is more efficient ships
Fish 'n' chips!
When Lord Nelson lay a-dying at Trafalgar
At Trafalgar!
What did the gallant captain Hardy do?
Howdy Do!
Oh he kissed his leader sadly on the poop deck
On the poop deck!
There has never been a fond caress so blue!
Esso Blue!

(Tune: "He is an Englishman")

But now pray let us sing
Of that patriotic thing
That we call and Englishman
A true blue Englishman
Though beset by Income Taxes
They clutch their Union Jackses
And they wave them when they can
From the Khyber to the Congo
You will find a Pete or Pongo
That Intrepid Englishman
That ill-fated
Celebrated
Under-rated
Dear Old Englishman

(Tune: "Buttercup")

Dear little buttercup
Sweet little buttercup
Nonsense of course you're not fat
But dear little buttercup
Life you left buttock up
You've squashed my opera hat flat

(Tune: "When I was a lad")

When I was a lad of seventeen
I took my girls upon the village green
When I was a lad of twenty-one
I took 'em in the hayloft which was much more fun

Chorus:
He took 'em in the hayloft which was much more fun

But now I'm middle-aged you know
I take 'em anywhere they want to go
And when I'm old, why you can bet
I'll have to take what I can get

(Tune: "The Sunny Spanish Shore")

Now it's Christmas once again
Peace on earth goodwill to me
And of course the ladies too
They're the ones that see us through
When the relatives all come
Aunts and Uncles, Dad and Mum
And the air begins to hum

Very merry Christmas and the same to you
What a very pretty bonnet, why it looks brand new
Are you comfortable? Very
Will you take a glass of sherry?
It's so nice to see you merry,
Oh, sit down please do
(It's so nice to see you merry,
Oh, sit down please do)

When a trumpet blasts you ear
You awake at 5 o'clock
Then the children will appear
With an orange in a sock
And you wish that you were dead
And they thump you on the head
Till they get you out of bed
And it's

Look what Father Christmas brought along for me
Can I have another sweetie from the Christmas tree
And you try to mend a dolly
While pretending to be jolly
Then you sit upon some holly
And you spill your tea
(You sit upon some holly and its agony)

Quite apart from noise and fuss
What does Christmas mean to us?
It's a thing that we can share
It's a family affair
When we're once more far away
We will think about today
And then perhaps we'll say
Oh they

Really did it nicely as it should be done
There was such a lot of presents, and we all got one
Such pretty snowy weather
It was nice to be together
Such a very merry Christmas, oh we did have fun!
(Such a very merry Christmas, oh we did have fun!)

Girls I've Met

I knew a girl called Jeannie Jones
She was nothing but skin and bones
I knew a girl called Janie Scott
She had bumps where Jean had not
I knew a girl called Susie Strong
Her feet were large and her legs were long
Her feet were so large it is said
She had to take her pants off over her head

I'm talking about Girls Girls I met
Ice is cold and waters wet
Up is up and feathers is down
That's what makes the world go round

I knew a girl called Droopy Drawers
Her ears stuck out like taxi doors
Tall as a pole and thin as a candle
Hard to please but easy to handle
Took her out in the wind and rain
She blew round like a weather vane
By the fire, warm and snug
Melted her upon the rug

I'm talking about Girls Girls I've known
Oats I've scattered, seeds I've sown
Up is in and down is out
You all know what I'm talking about

I knew a girl called Jennifer Goafer
She had hips like a well stuffed sofa
If she sat on you she'd squash you flat
I sure kept out of THAT
She was buxom, big and round
Gave good value, pound for pound
Like a mountaineer, upon a climb
I conquered her a bit at a time

I'm talking about Girls Girls I've seen
Faces I've known and places I've been
Tales I've told and songs I've sang
That's what makes the world go bang

I knew a girl called Big-time Bella
'Til I found out she was a fellah
We parted friends and everything
But he never sent back that engagement ring
I knew a girl called Topsy Turvy she was cute and she was curvy
She was sweet and she was sunny now I'm paying her alimony

I'm talking about Girls Girls I've known
Birds have nested, and have flown
Black or white or pink or brown
That's what makes the world go round!

All My Exes Live In Texas

All my ex's live in Texas and Texas is the place I'd dearly love to be
But all my ex's live in Texas and that's why I hang my hat in Tennessee

Rosanna's down in Texarkana wanted me to push her broom
Sweet Eileen's in Abilene she forgot I hung the moon
And Allison's in Galveston somehow lost her sanity
And Dimple's who now lives in Temple's got the law looking for me

I remember that old Frio River where I learned to swim
But it brings to mind another time where I wore my welcome thin
By transcendental meditation I go there each night
But I always come back to myself long before daylight

All my ex's live in Texas and Texas is the place I'd dearly love to be
But all my ex's live in Texas therefore I reside in Tennessee
Some folks think I'm hiding it's been rumored that I died but I'm alive and well in Tennessee

THE DIMPLES IN HER CHEEKS

Oh, the dimples in her cheeks (oh, the dimples in her cheeks)
And the ribbons in her hair (and the ribbons in her hair)
And the rosebuds on her lips (and the rosebuds on her lips)
And that lacy underwear
Oh, the dimples in her cheeks

There’s a gal who lives near me, pretty as a pin.
Whenever I go by her place, she always lets me in.
She’s a gal without no brains; she’s simple, so they say;
But when I take her in the woods, she always knows the way.

Oh, the dimples in her cheeks (oh, the dimples in her cheeks)
And the sunburn on her knees (and the sunburn on her knees)
And the music in her voice (and the music in her voice)
And she tries so hard to please
Oh, the sunburn on her knees

When first we met she was wearing pants pushing an old iron plough.
At first I thought she was a boy but I don’t think so now.
Sometimes we go for buggy rides and other times we walk.
I’d like to ask the gal her name but we don’t get time to talk.

Oh, the dimples in her cheeks (oh, the dimples in her cheeks)
And the way she looks at me (and the way she looks at me)
And her fingers and her feet[?] (and her fingers and her feet[?])
And her feminine ...[?]
Oh, her feminine ...[?]

Whenever she walks out with me, the townsfolk stop and stare
They never seen such pretty things she’s stolen round the square
She really has so many charms I’m always such a dunce[?]
Like trying hard to get my arm round ev’rything at once

Oh, the dimples in her cheeks (oh, the dimples in her cheeks)
And the freckles on her back (and the freckles on her back)
And the starlight in her eyes (and the starlight in her eyes)
And she loves my brother Jack
What a shame she married Jack

Oh, the dimples in her cheeks – and the ribbons in her hair
And the rosebuds on her lips – and the lacy underwear
Oh, the dimples in her cheeks – and the sunburn on her knees
And the music in her voice – and she tries so hard to please
Oh, the dimples in her cheeks – and the freckles on her back
And the starlight in her eyes
And she loves my brother Jack

THE GAL WHO’S GONNA MARRY ME

She can sew; she can hoe; she can read; she can write.
She can cook a man a breakfast in the middle of the night.
She can cut up a chicken; she can cut down a tree.
That’s the girl who’s gonna marry me.
She can dig; she can jig; she can juggle; she can jump.
She can drive a fella crazy with a wiggle of her rump.
She can stand in the saddle; she can sit on your knee.
That’s the girl who’s gonna marry me.

She can joke; she can smoke; she can drink a dozen beers.
She can move a grand pianna; she can move a man to tears.
She can pour out her heart; she can pour out your tea.
That’s the girl who’s gonna marry me.
She can bite; she can fight; she can flirt; she can fool.
She can shoot a mountain lion; she can shoot a little bull.
She’s dead as a parrot and faithful as a flea.
That’s the girl who’s gonna marry me.

She can roast; she can toast; she can boil; she can bake.
She can cut a fella dead; she can cut a slice o’ cake.
She can cook a fella’s goose; she can fry a fricassee.
That’s the girl who’s gonna marry me.
She can sweep; she can weep; she can giggle; she can grin.
She can play a little poker; she can play a little gin.
She’s as spicy as a pickle and sweeter than a pea.
That’s the girl who’s gonna marry me That’s the girl who’s gonna marry me.