JADE - Don't Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain
To avoid circular conversations, don't JADE - Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain.
Many Non-PD's are, by nature, consensus-builders. They can be notorious for having an over-developed need to explain themselves. They will talk and debate and rationalize until they are exhausted.
This trait is useful in many situations. A healthy debate between two individuals often helps to get all the issues on the table and can go a long way to avoiding misunderstandings. However, in order for this kind of dialogue to be productive, there has to be an underlying assumption that both parties can ultimately agree on what the facts are. This is often not the case.
A number of psychological studies have been conducted to demonstrate that eyewitness accounts in legal cases are often inaccurate. Everyone's memory is subject to biases of which they are not always aware and studies have shown that each time a person retells a story, their memory of the story will be rewritten slightly to better match the way they told it. The stronger the bias, the more the memory will be distorted each time it is recalled and rewritten. This helps to explain why some people's recollection of the facts can gradually skew further from the facts each time they repeat them.
This memory dynamic is at work in many situations, including:
When a person "talks themselves into" or "out-of" a difficult decision, and then iteratively reinforces the wisdom of that decision afterwards.
Romantic partners, who often selectively remember only good, (or bad) memories about each other.
Victims of abuse, who develop amnesia to events they do not wish to remember.
Political groups, who sometimes become systemically entrenched in a set of assumptions and become insensitive to alternative viewpoints.
Religious cults and groups - where mantras and creeds are used to reinforce doctrine.
Many people who suffer from personality disorders have heightened emotional drivers, or biases, which make them particularly susceptible to developing this kind of progressive memory distortion. This is sometimes referred to as Dissociation.
Given this understanding, the practice of having a debate with someone who has strong biases can actually have the counter-productive effect of reinforcing their biases, as they repetitively remember and state the facts from their own point of view. This is what makes the idea of JADE - Justifying, Arguing, Defending or Explaining - such a bad idea.
Instead, it is recommended that on any given issue, state your point of view once and once only. Provide any clarifications that are asked for. Anything more than this is likely to be counter productive.
This is not to suggest that you should say nothing at all or back down in an argument. It is critical to take whatever action is necessary so that you, and any children under your care, can live in a safe, happy, healthy and productive environment. It's just not that necessary to talk very much about it.
Whatever You Do, Don’t JADE When Dealing with a Manipulative Person
When dealing with a difficult person, whatever you do, don’t JADE.
What does it mean to JADE? It’s a handy acronym, which stands for:
Justify Argue Defend Explain
Healthy people in a healthy interpersonal dynamic can have healthy disagreements. In a healthy interpersonal situation, when one person disagrees with the other, it’s entirely appropriate for the person whose position is challenged to justify, argue, defend, or explain their reasoning.
In those healthy situations, the other party might come closer to the other person’s point of view. Or they might justify, argue, defend, or explain their own reasoning and convince the other party. Or perhaps both parties will see the truth in the other’s point of view and come to some kind of compromise. And in still other situations, perhaps neither party is moved, but they can come to a sort of truce on the issue, where they “agree to disagree.”
But disagreement often takes an entirely different course with particularly manipulative or difficult people. When they openly disapprove of your choices, it can be easy to fall into endless arguments. Not only will they not be satisfied until you come around entirely to their point of view, but they’ll take great offense to your disagreeing with them, perceiving it as an attack on them.
How to Avoid JADE-ing Using Conversational Killers
Clearly state your position once. You can answer what sounds like an earnest request for clarification — if someone asks you about something they find confusing. But the moment it turns into a situation where the other person is trying to set you up in a conversational trap where you must justify, argue, defend, or explain, resist using conversational killers.
Here are some basic resistance tactics for each.
How to Not Justify
If someone asks, “Well, why would you do XYZ?” in an attempt to have you justify your choices, you can respond with one of the following:
“I wanted to.”
“I knew it was the best choice for me.”
How to Not Argue
When you feel an argument coming on, stop it dead in its tracks with one of the following:
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
“I don’t want to argue about this.”
How to Not Defend
When you start feeling defensive because of attacks from others, make it clear that you’d like a change in topic (again without explaining why or giving emotional ammunition). Here are a few things you can say:
“Let’s change the subject.”
“I don’t want to talk about this.”
How to Not Explain
If a difficult person starts questioning you beyond simple clarification, they might start asking about your motives, trying to glean more information so that they can attack and put you on the defensive. As with defending, you can avoid explaining by changing the topic.
“Let’s talk about something else.”
“This is a bad topic for us. Let’s discuss a more neutral one.”
These techniques are only intended for situations where you have to tolerate a difficult person’s presence and wish to escape with as little fallout as possible. They are not to be employed in healthy close relationships. Even when it comes to using them with a difficult person, it’s better to limit contact with that person or even avoid them completely if possible.
Asperger's vs. Narcissism, the difference is vast, like night and day. The main difference is that Asperger's do not have agendas toward others; Narcissists live in agenda. The Narcissist is the "man in charge" or "woman in charge" and always seems to STAY in charge no matter what crap he/she pulls on others, and always presents the shiniest image he/she can, and always finds a way to get people to follow or believe him/her*. People don't hold him accountable, they don't criticize him, they don't confront him, they give him EXTRA respect, they let him run the show. People seem to ignore and excuse everything shady he does, and will often side with him against his targets, regardless of what he has done (they will minimize what he has done, and blame the person he did it to). Narcissists have mastered "cult of personality" and blame avoidance, INSTEAD of mastering how to treat others and how to be accountable.
In stark contrast, the Asperger's person seems to have a hard time keeping friends, or making new ones, and often must fight to be heard even when they are the most knowledgeable or experienced in the room. It's all about social signals~ Asperger's people may often wonder what the hell they did wrong THIS time, when really they did nothing wrong, they just didn't send the "right" social cues that say "I Am Cool" "I Am Popular" "I Am Someone To Follow", and most importantly, they don't find it a GOOD thing to send these signals, and frankly often find social sycophancy (ass kissing) repulsive and divisive (which it is). Asperger's people will often give the shirt off their back, only to get dismissed and ignored by the very people they gave it to, because they don't send the social signals of "I Am Important And It's In Your Best Interest To Treat Me As Such". They just do what they do, and say what's on their mind, (sometimes at great length). If an Asperger's person could download what they're trying to communicate instead of having to articulate it so others can understand, they would be ecstatic.
Very basically: Asperger's is focused on "building a better box"; on the box itself, on how it's made, on improving it, on what else it can be used for, on other boxes like it, and often wants others to hear about the box and their ideas, share in their enthusiasm, or at least be understanding or respectful of their enthusiasm about "the box". Narcissism is focused on getting CREDIT for "building a better box" (whether they built it or not), getting SEEN AS the "box-builder", getting credit for being the Most Expert Box Builder, how the box can be used to make themselves money or to further their PERSONAL agendas, how to hide the fact that someone else built the box.
Asperger's wants people to get along, wants peace, wants unity, wants a good and happy life not just for themselves but for everyone, all together. They would rather be "one of the gang" (or left alone) than the Leader, even if they are the smartest person in the room. They might not mind being the Leader, but only if they're not going to be wrestled and hassled about it; they've got much better things to do than fight for the "top spot".
Narcissists want all of these things only for THEMSELVES,(and sometimes for others they include in their circle), and they don't care who they have to hurt to get it, and they do everything they can to stay in control of the people around them without being noticed as a Controller.
Narcissists discard people, devalue people, project status on others; they play people like chess, and they may actually believe "that's how it's done". They don't feel remorseful for doing it, they don't feel bad for the things they do. Narcissists often receive way more respect than they have earned, because they are good at presenting Image.
Asperger's wants everyone to be friends, and just wants to be treated with normal consideration and respect, but they often receive much less respect than they have earned because they do not present Image by tailoring what they say to match the desires of others.
The Narcissist will probably catch your eye and seem "above" all the rest, and you may seek his approval and friendship. You may seek to side with him against those he targets, convinced of his innocence and good character.
The Asperger's person may catch your eye in the same way, but if you're the average human, you will probably end up being dismissive toward them, and not seek their approval, and not worry about consequences when you speak to them. You may even think of them as "inferior", and become annoyed at their talents and abilities, and expectations of normal respect.
Think of it this way: When we see the Narcissist, we think "Successful" and "Going Places", so we want to "hitch our wagon to their star". When we see the Asperger's person, we may think that at first, but we soon lose that feeling of seeing them as "Above". It's not about the real person underneath, it's about the image that the Narcissist is showing, and the Asperger's is not showing. The Narcissist believes he or she is a Star, and deserves extra respect, regardless of his or her actions; the Asperger's just wants to be appreciated for what he or she really does. You can bully an Asperger's person and they will become upset, and feel very hurt, they may go into a meltdown due to your disrespect. If you try to bully a Narcissist, they will try to destroy you or your reputation. If you even stand up to a Narcissist against their bullying, they will retaliate tenfold. Asperger's will be angry and defend themselves, but they won't do all kinds of control freak retaliations.
(Narcissists often target Asperger's people; they like to use them as "sidekicks" and exploit their loyalty and talent; however when the Asperger's person figures out what's going on, the Narcissist often turns on them with a vengeance in order to avoid being exposed. Remember the bullies in school who picked on the smart kids, the "wise-ass" who's buddy was a "nerd" and seemed to put up with the insults and the drama, the mean kid who had the nice friend, the super smart girl who the teachers didn't protect or encourage, the super smart boy who was labeled weird but always stood up for himself anyway.)
Misdiagnosing Narcissism - Asperger's Disorder
Asperger's disorder is quite often confused for NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder),despite the fact that Asperger's is crystal evident already at theage of 3, whilst pathological narcissism diagnosis is hard to nail down for certain anytime before early adolescence.
Some of the of reasons to this confusion are some of the shared symptoms of the two very different disorders:
The patient is self-centered and has a narrow array of interests and activities
Interpersonal communication is harsh and conversational skills appear to be underdeveloped and left at a fairly primitive stage
They share a similar eye-to-eye gaze, body stance as well as facial expressions
There is a notable lack of non-verbal cues in both cases, as well as a there is a lack of their interpretation of the same other people's.
The Narcissist
Has a voluntary ability to switch between two contrasting modes: social agility and social impairment. Because the narcissist is not the slightest bit interested in cultivating verbal and other forms of interpersonal communication with "inferior and unworthy others", he or she will remain as such.... until a source of narcissistic supply provided when he or she will easily and almost immediately regain his or her social skills and charm.
Despite the said impairments, many narcissists are people who rise to high ranks within their social and professional circles, even though a blow up due to a lack of a narcissistic supply may put a full stop to their careers.
Whereas The Asperger's
Is not at all anti-social in such a fashion. The Asperger's wants: social acceptance, friends,marriage, a sex life and children; but is completely clueless of how to go about those things and consequently, for fear of rejection,may seem as urban hermits and may even choose a solitary lifestyle(in a very different fashion, and for different reasons from why Schizoids do similarly). They will dive with full intensity into a single topic, hobby or personal relationship, and they will do so for reasons of hurt-control and pain management.
The Difference is
A Pathological narcissist will exclude people, devalue and discard them in order to avoid pain, while on the other hand the Asperger's will have a withdrawn stance and limit his activities and incorporate an extremely narrow social circle into his social life – again to avoid pain.
Both the narcissist and the Asperger's are prone to reacting with depression and, but the Asperger's is at far greater risk when it comes to self-injury.
The Narcissist is highly verbal, he uses language as a tool to obtain hissupply and weapon anti-social means and to discard the unworthy unlike the Asperger's;even though he may be equally verbal at times. He is, on the other hand, highly unlikely to obey the rules of conversation, for example:allowing others to speak in turn; but would rather interrupt them at whim. He is also completely unable to read, nor emit non-verbal language as he is unable to recognize his own misbehavior. That is very different from the narcissist's style of misbehavior, because he or she is simply inconsiderate towards those who may not serve a narcissistic supply.
