Some years ago, perhaps a hundred,
Jack Sheppard lived, the bold and free.
A smarter chap ne'er cracked a crib, sir, nor swung upon old Tyburn tree.
Now, William Woods he was Jack's master, and a carpenter by trade.
He made all sorts of wooden boxes, and Jack to him was apprentice made.
Then Jack he courted his master's daughter, but she jilted him, I must confess.
Then Jack he married two wives after,
Emma Maggot and Edgeworth Bess.
One day Jack, being short of money, he took it in his precious head
All for to rob his late employer after they had gone to bed.
Now, William Woods slept very soundly,
But Missus Woods did only doze,
And when Jack Sheppard made his entry
Madame Woods kicked off the clothes.
She rose and caught Jack by the breeches, and Jack he would have gone to prison,
But Mister Blueskin, Jack's accomplice,
Madame Woods cut through the weasand.
Then Jack was taken and put in prison, in irons strong he was bound down,
But Jack he swore he'd break his fetters
If they weighed a thousand pound.
His wife went to him in the prison, which circumstance to him did please;
And to escape out of the window
He tore the tail off her chemise.
Now three times he was put in prison for three times he had got away.
He being tired of escaping they hung him up on a summer's day.
Monday, 18 February 2019
The Ballad of Mary Read and Anne Bonny
Mary Read, a pretty girl, made to act a boy,
To keep her grandma’s money she’s a brotherly decoy.
Red-haired Anne she stabbed a girl when she was just 13,
She married Bonny, took his name, but never took his scene.
Mary joined the army as a man and fought a war,
Proved herself in battle, took a husband from the corps.
Anne she left her husband for a pirate of some note,
Who thought himself the toughest man of any man afloat.
Running away in the night;
Looking for something to make it all right.
Mary’s husband breathed no more and so she closed the bar,
She boarded ship and sailed west, she sailed oh so far.
A pirate ship did take them, so she joined up with the crew,
Though she was “he” as far as they or any of them knew.
Bonny found this sailor man was rather to her taste;
So Mary had to prove herself, and rather in some haste.
Then Captain Jack, a jealous man, had made a point to say,
So Mary proved she’s not a man, a second time that day.
Running away in the night;
Looking for something to make it all right.
Freedom under black flags, flying overhead,
Do not let them catch you they will hang you dead.
This pirate ship had its own flag upon a field of black,
A pair of swords below a skull said this is Calico Jack.
“William” was her name and true she sailed upon the seas,
And pirating is what they did while following the breeze.
Anne Bonny had her Captain Jack, and Jack had Bonny too,
Mary wanted her own man, a love that might be true.
A captured lad became that man who might make her his wife,
Although she had to win a duel to save his meager life.
Running away in the night;
Looking for something to make it all right.
Captain Barrett, pirate hunter, hunting Captain Jack,
One morning he did find them, and launch a quick attack.
Jack and crew were quite surprised and hid inside the hold,
While Read and Bonny stood their ground, that’s how the story’s told.
Mary shot below the deck, “Come here! Fight like a man!”
Jack looked up, saw swords and guns, and Mary next to Anne.
But Jack and crew stayed hidden still, and begging for their lives,
The pirate hunters took them all and took their guns and knives.
Running away in the night;
Looking for something to make it all right.
Freedom under black flags, flying overhead,
Do not let them catch you they will hang you dead.
Jamaican court says Jack must hang, for evil pirate ways,
While Read and Bonny plead their bellies for a legal stay.
And Bonny said to Jack that day before he met his God,
“If you had fought more like a man, you’d not hang like a dog.”
Running away in the night;
Looking for something to make it all right.
Freedom under black flags, flying overhead,
Do not let them catch you they will hang you dead.
To keep her grandma’s money she’s a brotherly decoy.
Red-haired Anne she stabbed a girl when she was just 13,
She married Bonny, took his name, but never took his scene.
Mary joined the army as a man and fought a war,
Proved herself in battle, took a husband from the corps.
Anne she left her husband for a pirate of some note,
Who thought himself the toughest man of any man afloat.
Running away in the night;
Looking for something to make it all right.
Mary’s husband breathed no more and so she closed the bar,
She boarded ship and sailed west, she sailed oh so far.
A pirate ship did take them, so she joined up with the crew,
Though she was “he” as far as they or any of them knew.
Bonny found this sailor man was rather to her taste;
So Mary had to prove herself, and rather in some haste.
Then Captain Jack, a jealous man, had made a point to say,
So Mary proved she’s not a man, a second time that day.
Running away in the night;
Looking for something to make it all right.
Freedom under black flags, flying overhead,
Do not let them catch you they will hang you dead.
This pirate ship had its own flag upon a field of black,
A pair of swords below a skull said this is Calico Jack.
“William” was her name and true she sailed upon the seas,
And pirating is what they did while following the breeze.
Anne Bonny had her Captain Jack, and Jack had Bonny too,
Mary wanted her own man, a love that might be true.
A captured lad became that man who might make her his wife,
Although she had to win a duel to save his meager life.
Running away in the night;
Looking for something to make it all right.
Captain Barrett, pirate hunter, hunting Captain Jack,
One morning he did find them, and launch a quick attack.
Jack and crew were quite surprised and hid inside the hold,
While Read and Bonny stood their ground, that’s how the story’s told.
Mary shot below the deck, “Come here! Fight like a man!”
Jack looked up, saw swords and guns, and Mary next to Anne.
But Jack and crew stayed hidden still, and begging for their lives,
The pirate hunters took them all and took their guns and knives.
Running away in the night;
Looking for something to make it all right.
Freedom under black flags, flying overhead,
Do not let them catch you they will hang you dead.
Jamaican court says Jack must hang, for evil pirate ways,
While Read and Bonny plead their bellies for a legal stay.
And Bonny said to Jack that day before he met his God,
“If you had fought more like a man, you’d not hang like a dog.”
Running away in the night;
Looking for something to make it all right.
Freedom under black flags, flying overhead,
Do not let them catch you they will hang you dead.
Border Collie Song
Border Collie Song
What's the hold up? I'm ready to work, let's go I am ready to work,
I'm ready to herd I'm ready to go, just say the word in case you dogs have not heard,
I'm a working dog
Now I've got issues, I'll admit, I basically don't know when to quit
My one and only occupation, keep those herds in a tight formation
Missing heifers, wayward strays, it tends to put a damper on my day
It's in my blood, what can I say? I'm a goddamn working dog
Get off my porch, get out of my way I'm a goddamn working dog.
Working dog, you son of a bitch, I take my bath in a drainage ditch
Wait one second Let me scratch this itch I'm back I can do this all damn day,
Get off of my porch, get out of my way I'm a goddamn working dog
Off my porch, get out of my way, I'm a goddamn working dog."
Turpin Hero
On Hounslow Heath as I rode out I spied a lawyer riding about;
“Now sir,” I said, “Run all you can From Turpin that mischievous man.”
On Hounslow Heath as I rode o'er I spied a lawyer riding before.
“Kind sir,” said I, “are you afraid of Turpin, that mischievous blade?
O rare Turpin hero,
O rare Turpin O
O rare Turpin hero,
O rare Turpin O
Said Turpin, “He'd ne'er find me o'er I hid my money in my boot.”
The lawyer says, “There's none can find, I hid my gold in my cape behind.”
Says Turpin, “He'd ne'er find me out I hid my money in my boot.”
Well then says he lawyer, “There's none can find my gold, for it's stitched in my coat behind.”
As they were riding past the mill Turpin commands him to stand still;
Says he, “Your cloak I must cut off my mare she needs a saddle cloth.”
As they rode down by the Powder mill Turpin demands him to be still;
“Now Sir, your coat I will cut off for my mare she needs a new saddle cloth.”
This caused the lawyer much to fret to see how simply he'd been took,
But Turpin robbed him of his store because he knew he'd lie for more.
As Turpin rode in search of prey he spied a taxman on the way;
And boldly then he bid him stand “Your gold,” he said, “I do demand.”
Turpin then without remorse he knocked him quite from off his horse;
And left him on the ground to sprawl while he rode off with his gold and all.
As Turpin rode on Salisbury plain he met Lord Judge with all his train;
And hero-like he did approach and robbed that Judge as he sat in his coach.
Turpin he at last was took for the shooting of a dung-hill cock,
And carried straight into jail where his bad move he does bewail.
Well Turpin is condemned to die to hang upon yon gallows high;
Whose legacy is a strong rope, for the shooting of a dung-hill cock.
“Now sir,” I said, “Run all you can From Turpin that mischievous man.”
On Hounslow Heath as I rode o'er I spied a lawyer riding before.
“Kind sir,” said I, “are you afraid of Turpin, that mischievous blade?
O rare Turpin hero,
O rare Turpin O
O rare Turpin hero,
O rare Turpin O
Said Turpin, “He'd ne'er find me o'er I hid my money in my boot.”
The lawyer says, “There's none can find, I hid my gold in my cape behind.”
Says Turpin, “He'd ne'er find me out I hid my money in my boot.”
Well then says he lawyer, “There's none can find my gold, for it's stitched in my coat behind.”
As they were riding past the mill Turpin commands him to stand still;
Says he, “Your cloak I must cut off my mare she needs a saddle cloth.”
As they rode down by the Powder mill Turpin demands him to be still;
“Now Sir, your coat I will cut off for my mare she needs a new saddle cloth.”
This caused the lawyer much to fret to see how simply he'd been took,
But Turpin robbed him of his store because he knew he'd lie for more.
As Turpin rode in search of prey he spied a taxman on the way;
And boldly then he bid him stand “Your gold,” he said, “I do demand.”
Turpin then without remorse he knocked him quite from off his horse;
And left him on the ground to sprawl while he rode off with his gold and all.
As Turpin rode on Salisbury plain he met Lord Judge with all his train;
And hero-like he did approach and robbed that Judge as he sat in his coach.
Turpin he at last was took for the shooting of a dung-hill cock,
And carried straight into jail where his bad move he does bewail.
Well Turpin is condemned to die to hang upon yon gallows high;
Whose legacy is a strong rope, for the shooting of a dung-hill cock.
Tuesday, 5 February 2019
Band Aid Parody lyrics
Famine famine its really bad famine famine especially at Christmas time
I care that's why I specially done my hair
I wasn't going to but then I heard the TV people were there
And Christmas bells in a Muslim country would sound fucking weird
So tonight that fuck we are OK and it's only the Africans who are starving instead of you
I care that's why I specially done my hair
I wasn't going to but then I heard the TV people were there
And Christmas bells in a Muslim country would sound fucking weird
So tonight that fuck we are OK and it's only the Africans who are starving instead of you
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